Some say hill... but I say mountain, because hills are cute little green things that you go skipping down singing songs about how they are alive, but mountains are things that make your lungs explode and cause you to want to die.
And so, every BYU student's life consists of trekking up and down these inclines, especially those of us that live down the large hill south of campus. And of course, anyone who ever goes down to the athletic buildings west of campus have to tackle the infamous RB stairs, which look like this:
Oh, so sorry, wrong picture. They just look so similar sometimes! The RB stairs look more like this:
In addition to trekking up and down hills outside, every building has lots of stairs, and elevators are shameful things that everyone will look down upon you for using. (well not really, but kinda)
The point is, unless you are a superior athlete, you experience frequent episodes of breathlessness while traversing this beautiful campus. And that is why I am writing today... to lend support and advice. Because you always seem to be walking amongst non-out-of-breath people who have been walking on level ground when you emerge from a steep ascent like a mountain-climber.
There are several strategies for retaining your composure and cool factor (aka: swagger) while you are desperately out of breath.
1. The "Suff' and Huff":
You mount those last few steps before reaching the top. Your lungs are beginning to burn and you feel the lack of oxygen building in your brain. As your foot reaches the top of the stairs/hill, you begin gasping wildly for air. You walk towards your next class, and see a total hottie approaching. As you pass, you nonchalantly hold your breath and smile. Then as soon as he is out of earshot, you gasp like a fool and breathe as deeply and loudly as possible. You begin to pass someone else and hold your breath, or just breath as quietly as possible. Repeat, until you are breathing normally once again.
social appearance rating: 9... other than the sweat trickling down your brow, you appear totally normal to passers-by!
potential for suffocation: 10.... this is why I have named it the "suff' and then huff."
2. the "Vigorous Nose-Breathing" technique:
This technique is helpful in loud crowds, or in situations where people are mostly pretty far away from you, because it can get pretty loud (you know...). You keep your mouth closed and smile, and try to intake as much air as is humanly possible through your nostrils! Win! An occasional deep breath through the mouth is recommended.
amount of cool factor that remains intact, visually: 87%
amount of cool factor that remains intact, audibly: 0%, because you sound like a wheezing old man.
3. The "Man Those Stairs Made Me Sleepy!" method:
This one is simple: Just cover your mouth and pretend you are yawning like a bear coming out of hibernation while you desperately gasp for air. A bear that yawns for a really long time. Disregard the adrenaline that is pumping through your veins while you feign drowsiness.
success in camouflaging your out-of-shape-ness: high
chance for receiving concern from others that you have narcolepsy: very high
4. The "I Just Really Enjoy Whistling Silently" strategy:
This one is definitely one of my faves... you just purse your lips into whistle formation and breathe deeply. I enjoy it because you have the ability to take deep, life-sustaining breaths, but it keeps your mouth gasping to a minimum.
sustaining life: 5 stars
flirting by looking like your lips are puckered: 8 stars
5. the "I Shamelessly Enjoy Living" mindset:
In this method, you actually disregard what people think of your hot-mess desperate breathing, and decide that you enjoy a regular intake of air, so you just breathe as much air as you need and don't think about how people perceive you.
self-confidence and sensibility score: perfect 10
creativity in breathing technique: a disappointing ZERO.
And lastly,
6. "Exercise So You Are In Shape Enough that You're Not Actually Out of Breath When You Summit Over 100 Stairs."
But that's just crazy talk, so we won't go there.
7 comments:
This was the best post ever! I think this should be published as the front page of the Daily Universe because every BYU kid needs to read this! Haha ;) I love here but the biggest drawback? Definitely the stairs.. ;) thanks for posting this, it made a not great day a much better one!! :)
bahahaha. I love it. This is so true. The worst is when you're still climbing the stairs, and you're almost at the top, but not quite there yet and you're quickly losing air. Of course that's almost always the point where I see some really attractive guy, and so you want to look athletic so you kind of pick up the pace so it doesn't look like you just hiked mt. olympus even though you feel like it, but then you end up more out of breath....I usually use the "suff and huff"..hahaha. very effective. i love your blog amy. so insightful on the little, funny, but so true aspects of BYU life.
HAHAHA oh Ames...this is pure gold!
Hahahaha!! I LOVE this! I used to live South of campus as well. WHY whenever you go up the stairs/hill of death is everyone a mountain climber? They act it's nothing at all. Weirdos.
Your blog is AWESOME. That is all.
haha this is great. I have this exact same picture on my phone because I've sent people pictures of how ridiculous these stairs are.
I like to take the steps two at a time and pretend it's making my butt cuter.
Love this! So funny. I dread every time I have to walk up these stairs.. Like every 2 weeks. Ha! I am definitely the pretend to yawn while breathing in as much as as possible. Never really works. Keep the great posts comin!
P.S. Lunch soon? At Legends so I don't have to walk up those death stairs. :) just kidding. MOA would be great too.
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