The Tale of an Elevator and a Star Quarterback

I don't know why people give me any credit for this blog. I swear, it writes itself most days.

Two days ago, I was coming from the bookstore on the third floor of the Wilkinson Center (BYU's student center) carrying a box of books I had just picked up.... Well, "carrying" sounds too graceful.. How about "grunting like a man under the weight of the TWENTY heavy books I had to buy for classes."

No lie, I'm positive there was grunting involved. It was a dang heavy box.

I hit the elevator button with my elbow, proud at how well I was managing.

Then Jake Heaps and his girlfriend walked over and it all went downhill.

Jake Heaps: BYU football hero.

THE Jake Heaps: Freshman quarterback extraordinaire.

Yes..... the Jake Heaps that broke every BYU freshman quarterback record, the Jake Heaps that threw game-winning football passes that brought BYU out of it's slump this football season.

I wanted to say something to him.

Something like, "Hey nice job throwing all those passes!" or maybe "You rock Jake Heaps!"

I found myself standing in an elevator with him. And his cute girlfriend. And my extremely heavy box. And I knew it would not go well.

"Umm.... can you hit three for me?"

"Uhh.... well we're actually on three," said the cute girlfriend. I have this problem way too often.

"Oh! Haha! Yeah I meant two! Haha. Ha. Ha. He...." said I.

"Ok," she said with a smile.

"Yeah, I always get confused!!" I said.

***awkward silence****

I could feel myself blushing as red as a tomato as I struggled under the weight of my unwieldy box. My arms were seriously trembling as I held the dang thing. So much for even bringing up my admiration for the football star standing in the elevator with me...

Then, Jake Heaps himself said with a friendly smile, "That's okay, I get confused too!"

I smiled at him. The elevator doors opened and I rushed out.

Jake Heaps: Football extraordinaire. BYU celebrity. But above all, kind citizen of the world, even with a flustered girl in an elevator who can never keep track of what floor she's on.

I am an even bigger Jake Heaps fan than before.

The Facebook Friends We All Have

Facebook. We're all on more than we admit. And I feel like, no matter who we are, we all have friends who fill certain niches on our homepage. They are all special. We love them all. Some of them make us really happy when they post a status. Certain people force us to hide their posts. But what would Facebook be without them?

Obligatory Facebook image.

THE CONSTANT UPDATER: Do you really care what they ate for breakfast this morning? Do you need to know that they stubbed their toe? Do you want to know their thoughts minute by minute? No. You don't. But they're going to tell you, hour by hour, on their iPhones.


THE QUOTER: They're gonna inspire the heck out of you, like it or not! Thank you Facebook Ghandi!


THE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD/ PERSON WHO ACTS LIKE A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: "Well I found my new crush today LOL!! He's suuuuppper cuuutee but I'm not tellin' anyone but my BFFS!! LOL LOL!!!" Every. Single. Status.


HE CONSISTENTLY FUNNY STATUS-WRITER: Joy leaps in your heart when you see their name on your homepage. Because you KNOW they are going to make your day. Hilarious anecdotes about their life. A joke you haven't heard before. An observation on life that cracks you up. These people keep us comin' back for more.



THE PERSON WHO POSTS LYRICS AS EVERY STATUS: These are great. I love lyrics. But I am terrible at remembering lyrics. This creates a lot of confusion for me when I'm not sure if my friend's status consists of lyrics, or the deep feelings of their soul. Thankfully, I have Google to help me out.



THE VOID: These people never update. EVER. They are just too cool for that. So you have to turn into a stalker and rely on pictures other people put up to learn anything about their life. It happens. Totally normal. Then you have the complete opposite:



THE T.M.I. CREW: This is definitely different from "the Constant Updater." These homies don't post 24/7, but when they do, it more than makes up for the lack of details throughout the day. Whether it's about their fragile emotional state, or personal details no one should know, you are embarrassed for them and intrigued all at once!



THE STICKY KEYBOARD: Forrrr soooommee reeeasssonnn, theeessseee peeeppps chhhoossee tooo tyyypppee eexxtraaa letterrs intoo evverryy sttatuuss. Itt willll probbabbly makkee youu verrryyy dizzzyyyy.



THE AMBIGUOUS EMOTIONAL STATEMENT ISSUER: You don't know what they're talking about. No one knows what they are talking about. But they post it anyway. Just don't ask them anything about it. Its "private." Its okay... that's what Facebook is for, right? Your personal therapy? Oh... its not?

"It’s like I am swimming in a sea of lies, biting at me like angry eels….”

THE UNFAILINGLY CHEERFUL PERSON: How are you so happy? I love you.


THE PERSON YOU REALIZE YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW: Maybe you had Chemistry together sophomore year of high school? Maybe they are just a friend of a friend? Most likely they are one of those folks who adds every single person they come in contact with. However it happened, you are now friends with this person and you can't remember ever actually talking to them. But lucky for you, you get to follow their life more in depth than you ever did in person!



THE DRUNKEN PARTY LUNATIC: We ALL have them. An old friend who's gone a little too crunk happy in college. Yay for pictures of all-night keggers, beer pong challenges and drunk friends using poor judgment! It brings us to reflect on our innocent childhood memories with these people. It also makes Facebook very entertaining at times.


Now its YOUR turn.... Who are your Facebook friends?

Happy Facebookin'!

Well thats embarrassing...

I met this boy less than two months ago at a stake service project. We worked together for an hour talking and getting to know each other. I wanted to hang out with him again.

I just saw him in the Wilk.

With a wedding ring.

And a wife.

He totally forgot to mention to me that he was going to be MARRIED within 2 months while we were planting flowers together!!!

Totally not awkward at all.

I am never hanging out with boys again.

P.S. Dear Boy whose name I forgot: Best wishes on your new marriage. You smell.

The Night I Almost Got Shanked in a Laundry Room.

Once upon a time, mere hours before going home for Thanksgiving break, I was doing all of my laundry in the middle of the night. That’s just how I rolled when I was a freshman.

We were taking so many people in the car that we had no room to bring laundry home. And all my laundry was dirty. This is what led me to be creeping down the dark stairs into the dorm basement all alone at 3 a.m. to put my clothes in the dryer.

I opened the laundry room door. The light was on. Then a girl I had never seen before in my life came at me with a kitchen knife.

I screamed.

She stopped. Then she said “Sorry, it’s just for protection… You never know who could be down here in the middle of the night!"

Then she took her laundry and her knife and left me all alone in the dark, creaky laundry room.

And that is how I almost got shanked in a laundry room.

Cape Boy Sighting

Attention!!!

Cape boy has been spotted on campus!! Eliza and I saw him on the way out of the Marriott center Tuesday morning.

Walking amidst the crowds....

Looks of disgust from innocent bystanders...

Is it the same cape boy who messed up my groove last year?

Perhaps we will never know.... Walk on cape boy. Walk on....

Running Is My Frenemy

Well, only if you say it like frENEMY..

Because it is so much more my enemy than my friend.

It is my friend because once in a long, long while, I go running and for a fleeting moment, it feels great.

But usually, I just die and wheeze my way back home.

If I was in this picture, I would be Ussain Bolt, but I wouldn't be winning the race, I would just be an entire lap behind everyone else....

Here is a list of people who are better runners than I am:

-the elderly

-chihuahuas

-snakes

-newborn babies

Today I think I am going to try to go on a run after classes, so I can feel cute and athletic and fit. Please think a little happy thought in your head for me. Something along the lines of my lungs not exploding.

Gratzi. You guys are the best. (But you’d be even better if you ever commented on my blog! HINT.)

The Secrets to the Perfect Library Nap

We’ve all been there. Studying in the library, trying to pull through and finish an assignment. You’re going strong for a while. But then your blinks start to linger. And then your head starts to droop. You lean your head on your hand. And then the bobbing starts.

You fight. Like a brave soldier you try to defeat the oncoming sleepiness. But no matter how many times you blink, no matter how hard you tap your leg or pinch your arm, the words on the page get fuzzy, and you are getting nowhere. This is called "late-afternoon shutdown time."

It is time for a very special event.

THE LIBRARY NAP.

I personally am I huge fan of the library nap. I would call myself an expert Library Napper. Today I am going to share with you the secrets to taking the perfect library nap. College students, pay close attention.

1. Pick a secluded area. Don’t sit where foot traffic is busy… you will get bumped by passing collegiate jerks. BYU students, I’m telling you, CUBICLES are the way to go. It’s like your private nap zone. My favorites are the fourth floor cubicles near the kid’s books along the south wall. Come find me. I’ll probably be asleep.

2. Bring a jacket to cushion your head. Roll that baby in a comfy lump, slap it on your table, and BAM! You have a pillow on the go. NICE.

3. AND THE SECRET TO THE PERFECT NAP: I recently invented this system. It is so genius that I had to share. One problem with library naps is falling asleep too deeply and drooling all over your desk. This is sure to make you uncool. Another problem I used to struggle with when I was a novice library napper was sleeping way too long like a crazy homeless person who sleeps in libraries. One time I am pretty sure I was out cold for a good hour. To achieve the perfect power nap, follow these simple instructions:

• Open your iTunes and make a playlist of three or four soft, sleepy songs. I have a soft Motab, a couple acoustic guitar songs, and Little April Shower from Bambi. (Don’t judge me, it’s relaxing).
• Then find the most jolting song you can find and put it at the end.
• Insert earbuds.
• Hit play.
• Fall asleep to soft songs. They will relax you but not let you become dead to the world.
• Wake up to jolting song 10-15 minutes later.
• Do your homework again with a smile!

Clearly, college has made me super smart.

I'm THAT girl...

SCENE: Earlier tonight. My friend’s wedding reception.

The gorgeous girl who quietly sips punch at her table while all the guys at the reception wonder if they’ll get a chance to talk to her.

I’m not that girl.

The vivacious girl with the hot outfit who is the first one on that dance floor with moves like a rockstar.

I’m not that girl either.

The outgoing girl who sits at the table leading a sparkling conversation with the other guests.

Nope, I’m not her.

The fun-loving girl on the dance floor wearing senseless high heels who gets so into the Cha-Cha Slide that she takes a huge jump forward right into a puddle of punch on the gym floor and slips to the ground as her dress flies up in front of everyone and slips around trying to get up for a full ten seconds because her shoes are soaked in punch.

I’M THAT GIRL.

People tell me I'm special.

Holler!!

Really though, with my grace this blog writes itself.

B.O. and the Power of Prayer

Well today is August 1^st! This means it is officially the month that I move back to school! In celebration of this fact, and in anticipation of the many stories that will soon unfold, I bring you a flashback of an awkward and hilarious tale from last year.

It’s a good one. I almost forgot about it, but then my sister reminded me. It’s one of her favorites…

Let’s go back to mid-October last year, in the JSB auditorium on BYU campus. The JSB auditorium is HUGE. I love it. I think it seats over 800 people, and the seats are sooo comfortable. I had my American Heritage class in there, and I loved going and staking out a little area to myself, setting up my little snack time and learning about America. It was great. I love that the auditorium is big enough that you can just sit by yourself without sharing your armrests. And I was fiercely defensive of those armrests.

But like the Kusco in Emperor’s New Groove would say… one day this guy came along and THREW OFF MY GROOVE. Beware the groove!

It was right before class started. I had an entire row to myself, and was all set up with my notebook, and my vending machine snacks and my fresh cold water bottle. And then, this BOY came and sat right next to me.

I honestly don’t know where to begin to tell you about this boy. Shall I begin with the putrid BO smell emanating from his clothing? Or maybe the medieval cape he was wearing to class? Or the greasy nasty long hair spilling over his shoulders? IT WAS NOT GOOD. In fact, I was pretty sure this human being just came directly from a renaissance festival in which he hadn’t bathed in 2 weeks.

This isn't him, but its the best Google could give me...

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, it got worse.

Medieval cape BOY had a medieval cape GIRLFRIEND.

She smelled bad too.

And then they started making out.

I immediately emergency texted my sister.

HELP! I am sitting by a medieval couple in American Heritage! And they smell bad!

She immediately shared this news with her entire Accounting study group and then texted me back that they all thought that this was hilarious. I pretty much agreed.

But that didn’t help the smell.

Class was finally about to start, and I knew I had to do something. This B.O. was deadly. I wasn’t sure if I’d survive an hour long class. Plus I really wanted my groove back. And my armrests.

Did I mention they smelled really bad?

But, despite their capes and BO, I still didn’t want to hurt their feelings. They seemed like nice people who just lacked any knowledge of hygiene. I couldn’t just get up and change seats in front of them. What can I say? I have a heart.

So I did what any graceful and reverent young lady would do.

I just ditched them during the opening prayer. As soon as everyone folded their arms and closed their eyes, I grabbed my backpack and bolted to the very end of the row. But don’t worry; I totally bolted reverently and quietly.

It was definitely a proud moment. I had to ignore the confused stares from the people around me who were wondering why I was in a different spot when they opened their eyes. But it provided good entertainment for Jess’s accounting group.

And most of all…. it taught me that prayer is definitely useful in more than one sense.

(Ba-dum-CHA!)

A Letter to Ke$ha

Dear Ke$ha,

I know you get a lot of hate from folks about acting really trashy and singing crappy songs that are 98 percent auto-tuned and that are mainly about brushing your teeth with whiskey. You know, they are just being harsh. Ok, so all those things are actually very true, but I’m sure you have a lot of redeemable qualities!

Like, right off the bat, I have to say it’s impressive that you wake up every morning feeling like P. Diddy. I usually wake up every morning feeling like Oscar the Grouch, so I have to give you props girl!

Fresh.

Also, I admire a girl who can get away with saying Po-Po. It’s something that I know I could never be cool saying. Point for Ke$ha!

Ok. Those are your redeemable qualities for now.

But Kesha, you really got to pull it together girl. There are so many things you could do to help your image. First of all, try spelling words correctly from now on. I know you think Tik Tok looks cooler, but it just makes people think you flunked second grade. Also, I really think the brushing your teeth with whiskey thing is going to go awry for you one of these days. While I can’t say I’ve ever tried it, it can’t possibly leave you with the same minty breath as good ol’ Crest, and by now people are probably staying far away from your whiskey breath.

Also, maybe try NOT singing about being a cracked-out alcoholic who lets drunk boys touch your junk. That might also help your image quite a bit.

Also, I am VERY concerned about your eye sight darling.... I think you need some VERY strong glasses. In fact, I would recommend you head to the optometrist right this moment. I mean, you say you kick boys to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.... Have you SEEN Mick Jagger????

Not Ideal Man

Please.... Let it be that you need glasses. And not that your mind is completely warped into thinking this is attractive.

Lastly, Ke$ha, you sweet little angel you…..

WEAR PANTS DANGIT!!!

This picture makes me weep for my generation.

You look like someone who has been homeless for over a year and who salvaged trash bags from a dumpster to sew yourself clothes, but then got in a brutal fight with a cheetah on the way to your concert.

I’m just trying to help you Ke$ha. Really.

And as sweet as you are to tell me that my love is your drug…… honey, I think that straight up DRUGS are your drugs.

Much love,

Amy