A Heart-y Facebook Rant.

This post is about facebook hearts. You know what I'm talking about: those cutesy little alligator brackets eating the number three ( <3 ) that magically turn into real hearts on facebook when you hit enter (♥). Little hearts have never really been my style, but they have their place on facebook and can be totes adorb on statuses like:

"I love my family so much, they are the bombest family ever, love you family!! ♥"

Or maybe "I just got engaged to the love of my life, OMGGG! As soon as he gets out of prison we will be wed!! ♥ ♥ ♥"

Or even, "Today was the best day ever. I went to walmart, snuggled with some pigeons on the sidewalk, and then ate some nachos. I love my life. ♥"

I mean THAT works. But that is not the kind of facebook heart I am talking about in this post. No. It is not.

This post is about what I like to call "irrelevant emotion-invoking hearts." (I lied, I just coined that phrase, but let us call them IEIH's for short.) Trust me, you have seen these all over facebook.

These hearts usually show up after one word, or a short phrase of words. The important thing to note is that these words never incite any feelings of sentimentality or tenderness or love at all on their own. Ever. At all. Words like: taco bell. Or maybe fungus. Or polka music. Or lamp shades. Or maybe just the name of a celebrity you have never before heard of in your life, like Snorfus McDundlefiffer. (I just made him up, but let's just say he is a prominent thespian in certain agricultural regions of Scotland.)

But the point is, these words PLUS a tender little heart, somehow makes it POETRY to the facebook world. It doesn't matter what it is, if you put a heart next to it, EVERYONE WILL LIKE IT.

My little sister willingly offered up this post from her facebook as the perfect example. she is such a gem. yes I call her baby sometimes. and yes we both recently went to the beach.

I do not understand this. I am leading a revolt against irrelevant emotion-invoking hearts. (Remember, IEIH's for short. I'm going to make badges.)

But the fact of the matter is, those darn little hearts somehow make that status cute and sentimental. Observe:

taco bell ♥

fungus ♥

polka music ♥

lamp shades ♥

Snorfus McDundlefiffer ♥

See??? Suddenly I am brought to tears thinking about this person's tender experiences at a nearby Taco Bell. Maybe she met her soulmate while on a taco bell run? And maybe she just made her mother's favorite stuffed mushroom recipe and the familiar aroma of fungus is bringing tears to her eyes? Maybe the staccato oompas of the tuba in polka music reminds her of her late grandfather and how he would play the tuba for her as she drifted off to sleep? And maybe she was caught in an unlikely gun battle in a furniture store and her life was saved by putting a lamp shade over her head and standing really still!??!? Perhaps Snorfus McDundlefiffer really is the most talented and deep actor in the universe and we just don't know it yet!???

I DON'T KNOW. All I am assuming is that the word or phrase must be unquestionably tender for that person for her to put a heart next to it! Either that or they are just using hearts recklessly and trying to generate emotion where emotion is not and that's.... that's just not right.

IEIH protesters unite. I'm going to start a campaign on facebook. Regulation of hearts needs to happen people.

It needs to happen. ♥

(see how tender that made the last sentence? told you so.)

How do you feel about excessive hearts on facebook? Are you guilty of the crime?

JUST IN: Do you want to try it out?? Post an irrelevant status on facebook with a heart and tell us all how it goes in the comments or email me a screen shot at amyn2217 at gmail dot com!

To read more of my observations about facebook, check out The Facebook Friends We All Have and Facebook: Bringing out the stalker in all of us. Or don't. Your loss.

The Facebook Friends We All Have

Facebook. We're all on more than we admit. And I feel like, no matter who we are, we all have friends who fill certain niches on our homepage. They are all special. We love them all. Some of them make us really happy when they post a status. Certain people force us to hide their posts. But what would Facebook be without them?

Obligatory Facebook image.

THE CONSTANT UPDATER: Do you really care what they ate for breakfast this morning? Do you need to know that they stubbed their toe? Do you want to know their thoughts minute by minute? No. You don't. But they're going to tell you, hour by hour, on their iPhones.


THE QUOTER: They're gonna inspire the heck out of you, like it or not! Thank you Facebook Ghandi!


THE THIRTEEN YEAR OLD/ PERSON WHO ACTS LIKE A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD: "Well I found my new crush today LOL!! He's suuuuppper cuuutee but I'm not tellin' anyone but my BFFS!! LOL LOL!!!" Every. Single. Status.


HE CONSISTENTLY FUNNY STATUS-WRITER: Joy leaps in your heart when you see their name on your homepage. Because you KNOW they are going to make your day. Hilarious anecdotes about their life. A joke you haven't heard before. An observation on life that cracks you up. These people keep us comin' back for more.



THE PERSON WHO POSTS LYRICS AS EVERY STATUS: These are great. I love lyrics. But I am terrible at remembering lyrics. This creates a lot of confusion for me when I'm not sure if my friend's status consists of lyrics, or the deep feelings of their soul. Thankfully, I have Google to help me out.



THE VOID: These people never update. EVER. They are just too cool for that. So you have to turn into a stalker and rely on pictures other people put up to learn anything about their life. It happens. Totally normal. Then you have the complete opposite:



THE T.M.I. CREW: This is definitely different from "the Constant Updater." These homies don't post 24/7, but when they do, it more than makes up for the lack of details throughout the day. Whether it's about their fragile emotional state, or personal details no one should know, you are embarrassed for them and intrigued all at once!



THE STICKY KEYBOARD: Forrrr soooommee reeeasssonnn, theeessseee peeeppps chhhoossee tooo tyyypppee eexxtraaa letterrs intoo evverryy sttatuuss. Itt willll probbabbly makkee youu verrryyy dizzzyyyy.



THE AMBIGUOUS EMOTIONAL STATEMENT ISSUER: You don't know what they're talking about. No one knows what they are talking about. But they post it anyway. Just don't ask them anything about it. Its "private." Its okay... that's what Facebook is for, right? Your personal therapy? Oh... its not?

"It’s like I am swimming in a sea of lies, biting at me like angry eels….”

THE UNFAILINGLY CHEERFUL PERSON: How are you so happy? I love you.


THE PERSON YOU REALIZE YOU DON'T EVEN REALLY KNOW: Maybe you had Chemistry together sophomore year of high school? Maybe they are just a friend of a friend? Most likely they are one of those folks who adds every single person they come in contact with. However it happened, you are now friends with this person and you can't remember ever actually talking to them. But lucky for you, you get to follow their life more in depth than you ever did in person!



THE DRUNKEN PARTY LUNATIC: We ALL have them. An old friend who's gone a little too crunk happy in college. Yay for pictures of all-night keggers, beer pong challenges and drunk friends using poor judgment! It brings us to reflect on our innocent childhood memories with these people. It also makes Facebook very entertaining at times.


Now its YOUR turn.... Who are your Facebook friends?

Happy Facebookin'!

Facebook: Bringing out the Stalker in All of Us

Facebook is a magical thing. It allows us to keep in touch with friends and family and share our news quickly with our folks, waste countless hours of our days, and follow the details of other people’s lives with the ferocity of a stalker. JK! I never do that. Ever. Ahem.

Aaanyways, sometimes I think life has gotten a lot more complex since Facebook has come around. Don’t you sometimes feel like you know too much?

Well today, I met someone new. I had never met this person before in my life. But I knew exactly who they were because of…. Ding ding ding! Facebook! It was someone who was related to / close friends with some of my friends, and who appeared in a bunch of their pictures so I instantly recognized them. (Love my gender neutrality? You’ll never find out who this is! Baha!) I felt like I should somehow let them know that I knew who they were and am friends with their friends/family, but I couldn’t think of a non-awkward way to phrase it.

“Hi! I’m Amy! You absolutely don’t know me, but through the powers of facebook I know exactly who YOU are! Haha! No but seriously your family vacay looked fan-TASTIC!”

Uhhhh…. NO.

It was more along the lines of

“Hi I’m Amy, what’s your name complete stranger who I swear I have no idea who you are?”

How do I explain that I’m friends with their friends? Or do I just…… not…?

Oh, well now I thought too hard and my brain exploded. I’m not used to thinking in the summertime. I think I'll just go stalk people on facebook now.