A Heart-y Facebook Rant.

This post is about facebook hearts. You know what I'm talking about: those cutesy little alligator brackets eating the number three ( <3 ) that magically turn into real hearts on facebook when you hit enter (♥). Little hearts have never really been my style, but they have their place on facebook and can be totes adorb on statuses like:

"I love my family so much, they are the bombest family ever, love you family!! ♥"

Or maybe "I just got engaged to the love of my life, OMGGG! As soon as he gets out of prison we will be wed!! ♥ ♥ ♥"

Or even, "Today was the best day ever. I went to walmart, snuggled with some pigeons on the sidewalk, and then ate some nachos. I love my life. ♥"

I mean THAT works. But that is not the kind of facebook heart I am talking about in this post. No. It is not.

This post is about what I like to call "irrelevant emotion-invoking hearts." (I lied, I just coined that phrase, but let us call them IEIH's for short.) Trust me, you have seen these all over facebook.

These hearts usually show up after one word, or a short phrase of words. The important thing to note is that these words never incite any feelings of sentimentality or tenderness or love at all on their own. Ever. At all. Words like: taco bell. Or maybe fungus. Or polka music. Or lamp shades. Or maybe just the name of a celebrity you have never before heard of in your life, like Snorfus McDundlefiffer. (I just made him up, but let's just say he is a prominent thespian in certain agricultural regions of Scotland.)

But the point is, these words PLUS a tender little heart, somehow makes it POETRY to the facebook world. It doesn't matter what it is, if you put a heart next to it, EVERYONE WILL LIKE IT.

My little sister willingly offered up this post from her facebook as the perfect example. she is such a gem. yes I call her baby sometimes. and yes we both recently went to the beach.

I do not understand this. I am leading a revolt against irrelevant emotion-invoking hearts. (Remember, IEIH's for short. I'm going to make badges.)

But the fact of the matter is, those darn little hearts somehow make that status cute and sentimental. Observe:

taco bell ♥

fungus ♥

polka music ♥

lamp shades ♥

Snorfus McDundlefiffer ♥

See??? Suddenly I am brought to tears thinking about this person's tender experiences at a nearby Taco Bell. Maybe she met her soulmate while on a taco bell run? And maybe she just made her mother's favorite stuffed mushroom recipe and the familiar aroma of fungus is bringing tears to her eyes? Maybe the staccato oompas of the tuba in polka music reminds her of her late grandfather and how he would play the tuba for her as she drifted off to sleep? And maybe she was caught in an unlikely gun battle in a furniture store and her life was saved by putting a lamp shade over her head and standing really still!??!? Perhaps Snorfus McDundlefiffer really is the most talented and deep actor in the universe and we just don't know it yet!???

I DON'T KNOW. All I am assuming is that the word or phrase must be unquestionably tender for that person for her to put a heart next to it! Either that or they are just using hearts recklessly and trying to generate emotion where emotion is not and that's.... that's just not right.

IEIH protesters unite. I'm going to start a campaign on facebook. Regulation of hearts needs to happen people.

It needs to happen. ♥

(see how tender that made the last sentence? told you so.)

How do you feel about excessive hearts on facebook? Are you guilty of the crime?

JUST IN: Do you want to try it out?? Post an irrelevant status on facebook with a heart and tell us all how it goes in the comments or email me a screen shot at amyn2217 at gmail dot com!

To read more of my observations about facebook, check out The Facebook Friends We All Have and Facebook: Bringing out the stalker in all of us. Or don't. Your loss.