Reader Discretion Advised: This will make you hate boys.

I can tell that my vast, vast readership really wants to hear the story of how I was hit on by a boy with some gas issues. But honestly, I don’t think you really want to hear it. It’s painful. It’s gruesome. It’ll make you cry and wince and hide under the covers and call your mother and avoid boys for a month.

You still want to hear it?

Ok. But can’t say I didn’t warn you.

This tale began in the Veteran’s Memorial Room in the Wilk at BYU. It’s a peaceful, quiet, well-lit room that I discovered just in time for finals week at the end of winter semester. I was sitting in a big cushy chair under a window, studying for my LDS History exam so I could take it that night. A relatively normal looking boy (P.S. I call everyone a boy, though technically I think he was a man. Well that depends on your definition of a man. But he was like 25. Continue) came and sat right in the chair next to me. I thought it was a little odd, because there were plenty of other chairs he could have sat in, but whatevs!

He was quiet at first, and I almost forgot he was sitting there. But then he leaned over and whispered to me.

“Hey, did I see you in the library this morning with your husband?”

Slightly annoyed and feeling awkward, I responded, “Nope. I didn’t go to the library this morning.”

In a painfully hopeful voice like a little puppy, he replied, “Oh, so then you’re NOT married?”

WHO IS THIS CRAZY PERSON?? I wondered.

“Nope.” It was at this point that my creeper alert radar started flashing wildly.

“Oh then it was probably your sister. Do you have a sister here at BYU?”

Oh. My. Gosh. LEAVE ME ALONE SIR!

“Yup.”

“Is she married?”

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. DON”T BE CREEPIN’ ON MY SISTAH!

“Nope.”

“Oh, well then it must not have been her!! Haha! But seriously, that’s cool you’re both single!” (Wink)

Tense silence.

Tense silence.

He clears his throat.

I ignore.

He looks at me like he’s going to say something.

I give him an angry look. I was totally on a roll with studying and I wanted to finish my finals dangit!!!

Tense silence.

He lets a loud one rip.

That got my attention.

I look at him in surprised disgust.

“Hehe…. Sorry!!”

I couldn’t believe it. Was he actually proud of himself?? Did he actually have a smug grin on his face after THAT?

Yes. Yes he did.

So I immediately texted my sister and my roommates about it and it provided us with some good laughter that night. And we lived happily ever after. And I don’t know where Farty Boy is now but I can only guess that wherever he is, he is still very, very single. And possibly eating beans.